Why Vulnerability Is So Hard, But Necessary

Why is vulnerability so hard? This is a question that comes up with my clients, and even myself, on a pretty regular basis. It has been said that meaningful relationships demand vulnerability. If that’s true, then why is it so darn difficult?

First, we need to define what vulnerability is, and how it looks in a relationship. According to the dictionary, vulnerability is defined as, “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.” Phew… I think when we look at that definition, we can see why being vulnerable in a relationship does feel scary, because we are at risk of being harmed. If this is the case, why would anyone ever want to be vulnerable?

Well, let’s look at the alternative. In order to feel truly known and truly loved, one must be vulnerable. If you apply this to, let’s say, any other aspect in life such as driving a car, you will see that we are always in a vulnerable position. When you get into a car for the purpose of going to a destination with relative ease, you are in a vulnerable position. You risk getting injured or even death. However, if you don’t get into the car, the discomfort of getting to your destination may be even greater. Apply this to relationships. To be seen fully, in your raw, unfiltered self, and then to be accepted, is what we all crave. We all want to be valued, loved, and cared for in our truest forms. However, in order to get there, we need to let others see our flaws. Whether those flaws (or perceived flaws) are physical, such as the stretch marks on your skin, or the deep emotional insecurities that everyone has whether they like to admit them or not. Some of these insecurities include asking for a need that you don’t feel you “should” have. This can look like a need to feel validated in your emotions. If your partner says or does something that upsets you, you likely would want them to acknowledge the hurt and rift, and validate your experience. Ideally, this would then soothe the pain, and would create a deeper, more connected bond between partners. However, if you don’t share that you are upset about something, you miss out on the opportunity to deepen your connection to your partner, along with ignore your own feelings and right to be heard and seen. This ultimately creates resentment and disconnection within your relationship and within yourself as well.

So, why do so many of us have a hard time with opening up and sharing (aka being vulnerable) with others around us if it truly does have the capacity to build more meaningful and deeper connections? A lot of this starts in childhood, when we were at our utmost vulnerable place. In order to feel safe being vulnerable, one has to have good experiences practicing vulnerability. If you grew up in an environment where you weren’t allowed to express yourself, or share your feelings, hurts, opinions, ideas, etc., then you one, don’t have much practice, and two, didn’t experience the deepening connection of the act of vulnerability. If you were punished for let’s say, crying, being angry, having meltdowns, then you likely will stay far away from opening yourself up. What’s the point? Why would you open yourself up for pain when there is quite literally no reward for doing so. Being guarded and closed off to others, and maybe even yourself, has kept you emotionally safe. The downside to this “safety” is that you shut off your connection to yourself and others. Many people who are shut off to others and themselves will experience a deep sense of purposelessness and like they are just floating in the ocean with no clear sense of direction. This is because we are a social species. We need others around us in order to feel truly alive and not only connected to others, but even ourselves.

So, while all of this makes sense logically, how does one move from closed off, shut down, to open, vulnerable, and connected? Starting off slow is the key. First recognizing this is the state one is in really can be a good jumping off point. Next, taking small chances with those who you find in your inner circle that feel relatively safe. This may look like telling them how you feel about your day, such as anger at the traffic, or frustration around your boss not validating your hard work. If identifying your emotions feels too much at this point, this is where mindfulness comes in. Taking small moments, maybe a minute or two multiple times a day, to sit and reflect on how your body feels. Identify the body sensations, the feelings, the thoughts you’re having, and writing them down in order to get a better idea of what feelings relate to what body sensations. I would also encourage you to work with a therapist who is trained in more somatic-based therapies, such as EMDR, along with interpersonal relationships and attachment theory. They can help you with the building blocks of understanding your inner world, so that you can feel comfortable articulating that with others around you and taking that step towards deeper and more meaningful connections and life.

My hope is that eventually, our culture and society, collectively and on an individual basis, start to recognize the pain of not being vulnerable, and start to work towards creating a world where it is not only safe to share our inner emotional world, but encouraged. Until then, I will continue to remind others that the cost of not being vulnerable is greater than the risk. Best of luck on your inner healing journey!

Keep Calm During The Holidays As A Parent

Holidays are so fun, joyful, and full of love and magic. HOWEVER, they can be so stressful. With all of the social expectations surrounding what you need to do as a parent to make your kids’ holidays special and magical, and can feel like you’re drowning in stress. My advice to this is to keep things simple. What do I mean by that?

Well, don’t say yes to every cookie exchange, holiday party, gift exchange, or decorating/craft get-together. Yes, it doesn’t feel good to turn something down. However, you need to reserve your peace and mental health in order to be present not only for your kids, but yourself and your family. People often spread themselves way too thin during the holidays, which leads to burnout, resentment, and frustration. This only makes the holidays for yourselves and kids LESS magical, because you can’t focus on just being together as a family.

Additionally, simplify gift-giving. Some people may not have this luxury, but if you are one who has family members that give your kids gifts, don’t give your kids a million presents. Stick to one or two small gifts, and maybe some stocking stuffers. Your kids don’t need all of these material items anyway, and it can help you to not have to think so much and prepare/spend money. In addition, your kids care WAY more about having you present, attentive, and engaged as opposed to what big dollar amount gift you gave them when they were five years old.

Obviously these tips won’t resolve all stress, however, my hope is that they can minimize stress and chaos in your lives and turn the focus of the holidays back towards the true meaning of them, whatever that means to you and your family and spiritual background. Good luck, and happy holidays!